The Lileks Zone

A Letter to the POTUS from EVIL, INC.

Dear President Obama:

On behalf of all of guys in the Evil business, thanks. Seriously, dude, we knew you’d be helpful, or at least keep out of our way, but this nuclear business is some serious tactical ching to throw our way. Notice we didn’t say nu-clya-yur – that’s cowboy stuff, right? Left over from those idiots who believe in white hats and black hats.

So do we, actually, but not exactly in those terms. Some like to use the weak-horse-strong-horse analogy, but we like the live-horse / dead-horse concept. We’re the live horse and we steal your saddle too. But we’re getting off topic. Back to nukes. You ever watch the Simpsons? Decadent and immoral and profane, pretty funny, although to be honest I don’t know how you’d get a chador around Marge’s hair. Some of the boys like it. Anyhoo, there’s an episode where Jasper, one of the crotchety elders, is teaching a grade-school class. He’s laying down the laws.

Talkin’ out of turn – that’s a paddlin‘, he says. Passin’ notes – that’s a paddlin’. Runnin’ in the halls – that’s a paddlin’.

That’s how we figured it would be with you guys when it came to retaliating for the really big things we have planned: that’s a nukin’. Dirty bomb in Gotham? That’s a nukin’. Plague released in a major city? That’s a nukin’. Some of us said nah, nuh-uh, they’re all played out, they don’t have the berries for atomic retaliation, but we have a few old-timers who remember a Gulf War or two, and their ears are still ringing from the first one. They remind us it’s not wise go underestimate you. So we’ve been erring on the side of caution, trying to figure out ways to off y’all in small batches until we get our hands on a game-changer.

But then this! Dude! You are teh awesomes, as the kids say. You pretty much admit you don’ t have any intention of using a nuke, because it’s just not the sort of thing a Nobel peace-guy does, is it? Yes, yes, there’s the exception for the Norks and the mullahs, but we all know that’s for show. Then you decide to go out of the nuke building biz altogether, and – well, I have to admit, that did cause a lot of debate over here at Evil Central. A lot of the guys were saying you were setting a new example, boldly forming a paradigm for a multipolar world where shared interests trump strategic competition, and hey, maybe we’re missing an opportunity here? I don’t know if it was Vlad or Ahmed or Kim-Il, but someone got real quiet and said “you know, my friends, you really cannot hug a child with nuclear arms.” And we had to think whoa, that’s true. Maybe we should seek peace and coexistence.

Just kidding! Oh, we laughed our heads off when you said you wouldn’t build nukes. We actually felt a bit stupid, because we’d hoped you’d do that, you being you, but then you up and did it, and we’re like why did we even doubt him?

The only problem we see? This will be tough to top. But we have faith in you.



PS Just saw the bit on CNN about taking out “islamic terrorism” from some document or other. You rock! Just to show you we’re taking all these messages of peace ‘n’ weakness to heart, we knocked over the government of Kyrgygtistan, or whatever it’s called. Now, we wouldn’t go attacking any Russian military bases, because those guys would shoot first and the only question they’d ask later is “do you want to be shot some more? You do? Okay then” but we’re pretty sure nothing happens if we storm your bases. Peace out. (Literally!)

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