bin Laden’s Diary
bin Laden’s diary has finally been translated, and some excerpts are starting to be leaked. Here are some entries from his final month:
April 12 Gloomy day. Bad mood. If I’m so smart, why aren’t I caliph? Thought: start telling everyone the most famous state in America is actually spelled Caliphornia. Declare victory. Take a vacation.
April 13 Wife #1 wants to refi the compound and redo the kitchen. She says it’s “gloomy.” I said that’s probably because the windows are painted over. Suggested we paint a nice scene on the inside, so she could have a view. “Like the scene from a 40th floor penthouse in Dubai overlooking the water with nice shops and restaurants downstairs and people you can meet for coffee and talk about what your husband is doing?” she spat. I said sure, if you want, but I don’t know if they can get that all into one picture. She’s not talking to me now. Wife #2 is talking to me, but I’m mad at her. Wife #3 is staying with her folks for a while so we are getting along fine.
She has a point. This place is a dump. I can’t believe I spent a million dollars on this. Okay, half of that was hush money to the officials and payoffs to the families of the contractors we had to disappear, but still. Everyone said the value would only go up, but if Egypt and Tunisia are any indication the compound market is going to be glutted. Have instructed courier to use internet access and see what it’s worth on Zillow.
April 18 Was down in the basement the other day, and checked the escape tunnel. It’s full of kids’ toys and boxes of old clothes. There must be three hundred My Little Ponys in there. Strong horse, weak horse, pink horse. I know what I feel like lately.
April 19 One of the children tried to get revenge for not having internet today. He rigged my computer so it said “You’ve Got Mail” when I turned it on. I nearly had a heart attack. Even after I found out what he had done I could not stop looking out the window up at the sky. He won’t be sitting down for a day.
April 23 Even this Pepsi doesn’t give me the same lift. I am convinced they changed the formula. I mentioned that in one of the videos, but wife #1 said I should take it out, said it detracted from the main point about the Crusaders and their sins. I said it made the point about those who ally themselves with the West will be betrayed in the end, but she wouldn’t have any of it. She’s young. Didn’t live through New Coke.
April 21 Some kid’s ball came over the wall this morning. Ever since they learned that we don’t throw them back but just shove some money through the gate, it’s one ball after the other. They don’t even take Euros. “Real money,” they say.
April 22 O cursed day. Another setback. An appalling setback. There are times when I think we lack the technological expertise we need to bring down America and the West, but now and then I am proud of our team, such as three years ago - we were trying for years to figure out new forms of cryptography to get our messages to various operatives, and we have been using a complicated program that embeds messages in images, or a video. We had a meeting the other day, and I asked how things were going. They said they had been following my instructions to the letter, and had been hiding porn in videos about operational plans.
I just stared at him for a second and told him he had that backwards. There were nervous looks all around the table.
“No,” he said, “as you requested, we hid porn in videos about operational plans. We thought it was curious, but you are the leader.”
I cursed them all for idiots, and asked if that stack of DVDs down in the family room was all porn. They said that it was. Apparently we have been sending around our plans for everything we intend to do, and Allah knows who has it. I am furious. Furious beyond compare.
April 23 Ahmed showed me how to watch the videos embedded in the DVDs. Even I was unaware the West was this sinful. How sinful it will take me weeks to find out; there must be a hundred of these.
May 1 Finally out of the basement; ran out of batteries for the DVD remote. Spring has come; the plants are in bloom. Gives a fellow a lift. Now I am at my desk, ready to compose a new plan to bring down the infidel.
Gave one of the kids a remote-controlled helicopter for his birthday; he’s been flying it around the backyard all week. Just went past the window. You know, he’s flying it pretty close to the house; that thing looks bigger than I